fredsworld

Monday, 14 February 2011

Thursday, 13 January 2011

final score.....fred 0........ smoke alarm 3

Beep

wait ten mins

beep

wait ten mins

beep wait 2 hours

beep

wait 5 mins

beep

this is how the torture began.

the upstairs landing smoke alarm outside our bedroom has a depleated battery,

well not completely dead as the bloody thing beeps like a budgie on crack.

At first we ignored it and then emergency chair was brought forth and we sprang into action,

i held her legs as i cant climb,

she couldnt twist cover off alarm,

emergency kitchen knife was summoned,

place into side of alarm,

cracked alarm case, still cover wont move!!

emergency spatula summoned and inserted in between ceiling and alarm,

whole alarm now off , hanging by wire,

artex everwhere,

beep its goes,

dog barks at beep, dog kicked up the arse!

beep goes alarm.

Blood pressure now rising, wine needed,

cant get wine as chair is blocking landing.

Take alarm in hand and hit with heel of stiletto shoe,

heel falls off shoe and alarm beeps!

manage too wedge side open to see battery,

smash on wall to free battery.

feeling smug as battery is now removed.

All back to bed.

3am alarm beeps

dog barks from bathroom and flings himself at door to protect us,

i pull alarm completely away from ceiling and throw into garden from first floor window,

will call electrician later today, need sleep!

This really happened last night, thats why we look like this today.......

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Happy new year to you all, finally got time to play with all my christmas craft goodies, loads of washi tape and a new peanuts limited edition moleskine. January has dragged as the reaction i had to Hestons orange pudding needed antibiotics and lots of read wine, i swelled up like Ann Widecoms magic knickers.
Just sitting down to watch this years dreary so called celebs being dragged around the ice, lets hope Denise Walsh has stayed of the chablis long enough to tie her skates up, the last thing we want to see is a very loose woman on her back infront of Phillip, hes grey enough!

Hope you enjoy!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

It's nearly the day.....

Merry christmas to you all,

lets hope it goes as good as it can. remember its only a dinner and boxing day all the shops are open.So there is no real pressure and If you have been viewing any tv this year I know you will be fully prepared, this is how easy its been this year for Happy and I,

so far We've....

reared and hand killed my turkey

crocheted 100 christmas tree decorations

chopped a nordic pine tree down in b and q

paid £ 398 for a £14.99 Heston orange christmas pudding on Ebay

baked a delia christmas cake

organically grown 56 lb's of sprouts

untangled 120 yards of christmas lights

been to post office 16 times to collect internet deliveries i missed

hand made 28 christmas cards, posted 6!

eaten 4 christmas puddings

eaten half the turkey

boiled a ham in cider for 8 hours without turning the gas on,

boiled a ham for another eight hours

bought mulled wine

drank mulled wine

bought more mulled wine

drank more mulled wine

Asda now sold out of mulled wine so now making mulled wine

drove 5 miles for a lemon for mulled wine

drove 3 miles for cinnamon sticks for mulled wine

dropped and smashed bottle of mulled wine

relaid new carpet in kitchen

realized oven is too small for turkey

chopped turkey in half

cut hand

six stitches and 14 hours in a and e

oven is still too small for turkey

ordered new oven

bought 56 pints of milk incase it snows again

bought 56 loaves of bread incase it snows again

called Kirsty Allsop to check where she had her hand blown wine glasses made

called Jamie Oliver to see how many kids he has now

lighted 34 tea lights for a cosy atmosphere

set smoke alarm off

taken battery out of smoke alarm

taken smoke alarm down from ceiling

arranged for builder to fit new smoke alarm

sent texts to all the people i couldn't be bothered to ring

wrote a list of all the food we forgot to buy when we went to tesco at 3am to avoid the rush

ordered some more bread and milk online incase it snows

bought another Heston christmas pudding on Ebay for £231 as ive lost the first one

missed another internet delivery

bought new christmas tree as first one has lost all its needles

taken dog to vets to have pine needles removed from his feet

been to doctors for cream for allergic reaction on hands from pine needles

discovered mince pies are already out of date

discovered brandy butter is out of date

not sure fridge is cold enough

fridge broken

bought new fridge

fridge too big for kitchen

put fridge in lounge next too tree

put lights round fridge too look festive

cant get fridge door open

attempted to watch 3 d hd film

realized didnt have 3d hd tv

bought 3d hd tv

3d hd tv too big for tv cabinet

put 3d hd tv on fridge next too tree

put lights round tv too look festive

bought more lights

lights wont work

took lights back

all lights sold out had to buy 4 foot lighted reindeer instead

put reindeer in front of tv to look festive

cannot see all the screen

put reindeer in garden

reindeer leaned over a bit so had local garden center lay wooden deck

slipped on deck, fell on reindeer broke reindeer

chucked reindeer in dustbin

deck looked bare so dug deck up and relaid lawn

preheated oven for christmas day

set alarm for 3am to put turkey in

went to 24 hour petrol garage to buy tinfoil for turkey

forgot foil but got a nice ice scrapper and some more milk incase it snows again

so as you can see, were ready

the key to a hassle free christmas is too plan...

NEXT YEAR I PLAN TO BE A JEHOVAH WITNESS!

Monday, 13 December 2010

The time had come...

As with most men I reached that point when the underwear draw didn't seem as glam as it once did.

As character trunks seem to be in vogue I set off in search down the high street. Stupidly I entered Primark, lots of choice at cheap prices. The only thing I forgot was that when your not six stone, the fit often depends on the price.

Skipping home with a brown bag full of polyester patterned trunks, my joy was to be short lived.

By the time i'd pulled these on and stretched them over my ample bottom, Batman was unrecognizable, He looked more like Susan Boyle after bad botox!

The final humiliation came as tried to get a bit of my belly under the waistband. The whole bloody elastic waistband came off in my hands with a loud rip and ended up under my boobs looking like an external gastric band!

Now I have a dilema, do I risk taking them back and be humiliated as the tiny assistant in customer services holds them up and asks what the problem was, trying not to laugh, or do I just put this episode down to vanity and get the nylon leopard print ones back out again and resume a wonderful friendship.

Perhaps Santa will be more lucky.