Monday, 14 February 2011

Busy couple of days...

Filling another book ....

Thursday, 13 January 2011

final score.....fred 0........ smoke alarm 3

wait ten mins
wait ten mins
beep wait 2 hours
wait 5 mins
this is how the torture began.
the upstairs landing smoke alarm outside our bedroom has a depleated battery,
well not completely dead as the bloody thing beeps like a budgie on crack.
At first we ignored it and then emergency chair was brought forth and we sprang into action,
i held her legs as i cant climb,
she couldnt twist cover off alarm,
emergency kitchen knife was summoned,
place into side of alarm,
cracked alarm case, still cover wont move!!
emergency spatula summoned and inserted in between ceiling and alarm,
whole alarm now off , hanging by wire,
artex everwhere,
beep its goes, 
dog barks at beep, dog kicked up the arse!
beep goes alarm.
Blood pressure now rising, wine needed,
cant get wine as chair is blocking landing.
Take alarm in hand and hit with heel of stiletto shoe,
heel falls off shoe and alarm beeps!
manage too wedge side open to see battery,
smash on wall to free battery.
feeling smug as battery is now removed.
All back to bed.
3am alarm beeps
dog barks from bathroom and flings himself at door to protect us,
i pull alarm completely away from ceiling and throw into garden from first floor window,
will call electrician later today, need sleep!

This really happened last night, thats why we look like this today.......

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Happy new year glueing....

Happy new year to you all, finally got time to play with all my christmas craft goodies, loads of washi tape and a new peanuts limited edition moleskine. January has dragged as the reaction i had to Hestons orange pudding needed antibiotics and lots of read wine, i swelled up like Ann Widecoms magic knickers.
Just sitting down to watch this years dreary so called celebs being dragged around the ice, lets hope Denise Walsh has stayed of the chablis long enough to tie her skates up, the last thing we want to see is a very loose woman on her back infront of Phillip, hes grey enough!

Hope you enjoy!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

It's nearly the day.....

Merry christmas to you all,
lets hope it goes as good as it can. remember its only a dinner and boxing day all the shops are open.So there is no real pressure and If you have been viewing any tv this year I know you will be fully prepared,  this is how easy its been this year for Happy and I, 
 so far We've....
reared and hand killed my turkey
crocheted 100 christmas tree decorations
chopped a nordic pine tree down in b and q
paid £ 398 for a £14.99 Heston orange christmas pudding on Ebay
baked a delia christmas cake
organically grown 56 lb's of sprouts
untangled 120 yards of christmas lights
been to post office 16 times to collect internet deliveries i missed
hand made 28 christmas cards, posted  6!
eaten 4 christmas puddings
eaten half the turkey
boiled a ham in cider for 8 hours without turning the gas on,
boiled a ham for another eight hours
bought mulled wine
drank mulled wine
bought more mulled wine
drank more mulled wine
Asda now sold out of mulled wine so now making mulled wine
drove 5 miles for a lemon for mulled wine
drove 3 miles for cinnamon sticks for mulled wine
dropped and smashed bottle of mulled wine
relaid new carpet in kitchen
realized oven is too small for turkey
chopped turkey in half
cut hand
six stitches and 14 hours in a and e
oven is still too small for turkey
ordered new oven
bought 56 pints of milk incase it snows again
bought 56 loaves of bread incase it snows again
called Kirsty Allsop to check where she had her hand blown wine glasses made
called Jamie Oliver to see how many kids he has now
lighted 34 tea lights for a cosy atmosphere
set smoke alarm off
taken battery out of smoke alarm
taken smoke alarm down from ceiling
arranged for builder to fit new smoke alarm
sent texts to all the people i couldn't be bothered to ring
wrote a list of all the food we forgot to buy when we went to tesco at 3am to avoid the rush
ordered some more bread and milk online incase it snows
bought another Heston christmas pudding on Ebay for £231 as ive lost the first one
missed another internet delivery
bought new christmas tree as first one has lost all its needles
taken dog to vets to have pine needles removed from his feet
been to doctors for cream for allergic reaction on hands from pine needles
discovered mince pies are already out of date
discovered brandy butter is out of date
not sure fridge is cold enough
fridge broken
bought new fridge
fridge too big for kitchen
put fridge in lounge next too tree
put lights round fridge too look festive
cant get fridge door open
attempted to watch 3 d hd film
realized didnt have 3d hd tv
bought 3d hd tv
3d hd tv too big for tv cabinet
put 3d hd tv on fridge next too tree
put lights round tv too look festive
bought more lights
lights wont work
took lights back
all lights sold out had to buy 4 foot lighted reindeer instead
put reindeer in front of tv to look festive
cannot see all the screen
put reindeer in garden
reindeer leaned over a bit so had local garden center lay wooden deck
slipped on deck, fell on reindeer broke reindeer
chucked reindeer in dustbin
deck looked bare so dug deck up and relaid lawn
preheated oven for christmas day
set alarm for 3am to put turkey in
went to 24 hour petrol garage to buy tinfoil for turkey
forgot foil but got a nice ice scrapper and some more milk incase it snows again

so as you can see, were ready
the key to a hassle free christmas is too plan...


Monday, 13 December 2010

The time had come...

As with most men I reached that point when the underwear draw didn't seem as glam as it once did.

As character trunks seem to be in vogue I set off in search down the high street. Stupidly I entered Primark, lots of choice at cheap prices. The only thing I forgot was that when your not six stone, the fit often depends on the price.
Skipping home with a brown bag full of polyester patterned trunks, my joy was to be short lived.

By the time i'd pulled these on and stretched them over my ample bottom, Batman was unrecognizable, He looked more like Susan Boyle after bad botox!
The final humiliation came as tried to get a bit of my belly under the waistband. The whole bloody elastic waistband came off in my hands with a loud rip and ended up under my boobs looking like an external gastric band!
Now I have a dilema, do I risk taking them back and be humiliated as the tiny assistant in customer services holds them up and asks what the problem was, trying not to laugh, or do I just put this episode down  to vanity and get the nylon leopard print ones back out again and resume a wonderful friendship.
Perhaps Santa will be more lucky.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

How to survive ....

This is the best advice I have ever followed, and believe me it helps!!!

However when im next inclined I really want to do this, how fantastic and creative...

A few more pages .....

- Thanks for visiting!