fredsworld

Busy couple of days...

2011-02-14T09:37:00.001Z

Filling another book ....

final score.....fred 0........ smoke alarm 3

2011-01-13T16:57:00.000Z

Beep

wait ten mins

beep

wait ten mins

beep wait 2 hours

beep

wait 5 mins

beep

this is how the torture began.

the upstairs landing smoke alarm outside our bedroom has a depleated battery,

well not completely dead as the bloody thing beeps like a budgie on crack.

At first we ignored it and then emergency chair was brought forth and we sprang into action,

i held her legs as i cant climb,

she couldnt twist cover off alarm,

emergency kitchen knife was summoned,

place into side of alarm,

cracked alarm case, still cover wont move!!

emergency spatula summoned and inserted in between ceiling and alarm,

whole alarm now off , hanging by wire,

artex everwhere,

beep its goes,

dog barks at beep, dog kicked up the arse!

beep goes alarm.

Blood pressure now rising, wine needed,

cant get wine as chair is blocking landing.

Take alarm in hand and hit with heel of stiletto shoe,

heel falls off shoe and alarm beeps!

manage too wedge side open to see battery,

smash on wall to free battery.

feeling smug as battery is now removed.

All back to bed.

3am alarm beeps

dog barks from bathroom and flings himself at door to protect us,

i pull alarm completely away from ceiling and throw into garden from first floor window,

will call electrician later today, need sleep!

This really happened last night, thats why we look like this today.......

Happy new year glueing....

2011-01-09T19:12:00.000Z

Happy new year to you all, finally got time to play with all my christmas craft goodies, loads of washi tape and a new peanuts limited edition moleskine. January has dragged as the reaction i had to Hestons orange pudding needed antibiotics and lots of read wine, i swelled up like Ann Widecoms magic knickers.
Just sitting down to watch this years dreary so called celebs being dragged around the ice, lets hope Denise Walsh has stayed of the chablis long enough to tie her skates up, the last thing we want to see is a very loose woman on her back infront of Phillip, hes grey enough!

Hope you enjoy!

It's nearly the day.....

2010-12-23T08:31:00.001Z

Merry christmas to you all,

lets hope it goes as good as it can. remember its only a dinner and boxing day all the shops are open.So there is no real pressure and If you have been viewing any tv this year I know you will be fully prepared, this is how easy its been this year for Happy and I,

so far We've....

reared and hand killed my turkey

crocheted 100 christmas tree decorations

chopped a nordic pine tree down in b and q

paid £ 398 for a £14.99 Heston orange christmas pudding on Ebay

baked a delia christmas cake

organically grown 56 lb's of sprouts

untangled 120 yards of christmas lights

been to post office 16 times to collect internet deliveries i missed

hand made 28 christmas cards, posted 6!

eaten 4 christmas puddings

eaten half the turkey

boiled a ham in cider for 8 hours without turning the gas on,

boiled a ham for another eight hours

bought mulled wine

drank mulled wine

bought more mulled wine

drank more mulled wine

Asda now sold out of mulled wine so now making mulled wine

drove 5 miles for a lemon for mulled wine

drove 3 miles for cinnamon sticks for mulled wine

dropped and smashed bottle of mulled wine

relaid new carpet in kitchen

realized oven is too small for turkey

chopped turkey in half

cut hand

six stitches and 14 hours in a and e

oven is still too small for turkey

ordered new oven

bought 56 pints of milk incase it snows again

bought 56 loaves of bread incase it snows again

called Kirsty Allsop to check where she had her hand blown wine glasses made

called Jamie Oliver to see how many kids he has now

lighted 34 tea lights for a cosy atmosphere

set smoke alarm off

taken battery out of smoke alarm

taken smoke alarm down from ceiling

arranged for builder to fit new smoke alarm

sent texts to all the people i couldn't be bothered to ring

wrote a list of all the food we forgot to buy when we went to tesco at 3am to avoid the rush

ordered some more bread and milk online incase it snows

bought another Heston christmas pudding on Ebay for £231 as ive lost the first one

missed another internet delivery

bought new christmas tree as first one has lost all its needles

taken dog to vets to have pine needles removed from his feet

been to doctors for cream for allergic reaction on hands from pine needles

discovered mince pies are already out of date

discovered brandy butter is out of date

not sure fridge is cold enough

fridge broken

bought new fridge

fridge too big for kitchen

put fridge in lounge next too tree

put lights round fridge too look festive

cant get fridge door open

attempted to watch 3 d hd film

realized didnt have 3d hd tv

bought 3d hd tv

3d hd tv too big for tv cabinet

put 3d hd tv on fridge next too tree

put lights round tv too look festive

bought more lights

lights wont work

took lights back

all lights sold out had to buy 4 foot lighted reindeer instead

put reindeer in front of tv to look festive

cannot see all the screen

put reindeer in garden

reindeer leaned over a bit so had local garden center lay wooden deck

slipped on deck, fell on reindeer broke reindeer

chucked reindeer in dustbin

deck looked bare so dug deck up and relaid lawn

preheated oven for christmas day

set alarm for 3am to put turkey in

went to 24 hour petrol garage to buy tinfoil for turkey

forgot foil but got a nice ice scrapper and some more milk incase it snows again

so as you can see, were ready

the key to a hassle free christmas is too plan...

NEXT YEAR I PLAN TO BE A JEHOVAH WITNESS!

The time had come...

2010-12-13T05:20:00.000Z

As with most men I reached that point when the underwear draw didn't seem as glam as it once did.

As character trunks seem to be in vogue I set off in search down the high street. Stupidly I entered Primark, lots of choice at cheap prices. The only thing I forgot was that when your not six stone, the fit often depends on the price.

Skipping home with a brown bag full of polyester patterned trunks, my joy was to be short lived.

By the time i'd pulled these on and stretched them over my ample bottom, Batman was unrecognizable, He looked more like Susan Boyle after bad botox!

The final humiliation came as tried to get a bit of my belly under the waistband. The whole bloody elastic waistband came off in my hands with a loud rip and ended up under my boobs looking like an external gastric band!

Now I have a dilema, do I risk taking them back and be humiliated as the tiny assistant in customer services holds them up and asks what the problem was, trying not to laugh, or do I just put this episode down to vanity and get the nylon leopard print ones back out again and resume a wonderful friendship.

Perhaps Santa will be more lucky.

How to survive ....

2010-12-12T13:48:00.000Z

This is the best advice I have ever followed, and believe me it helps!!!

However when im next inclined I really want to do this, how fantastic and creative...

A few more pages .....

2010-12-12T09:40:00.001Z

- Thanks for visiting!

Heres hoping........

2010-12-11T07:46:00.000Z

As the big day approaches my fingers are crossed for lots of this, my new addiction , japanese washi tape.
Its great for my kind of art, it can be ripped, written on and even romoved.

Snowed in studio....

2010-12-08T06:33:00.001Z

My little Holivan didn't seem to appealing this week, I stayed inside and cuddled my duvet!

I know its been a while ....

2010-12-08T06:20:00.000Z

2010-09-23T12:29:00.001+01:00

A few new pages from my moleskine...

- Thanks for visiting!

Sophie dahl get real

2010-03-30T21:02:00.001+01:00

Can't believe I'm watching this crap, ooh let's wear a low cut top and put meringues in the oven! Let's talk about romance but eat alone, oh and by the way she don't eat meat! What's visiting a bloody graveyard got to do with cooking scallops!

I thought nigella was over the top but for gods sake! Now it's Florence and the machine playing while miss.d reads some crap from a secondhand book, just eat the bloody vegetarian shepherds pie and put us all out of our misery. Can't wait for real telly to begin, what times searching for dorothy on? The lord webers faces are great !

£3.99. Fridge makeover!

2010-03-17T16:50:00.001Z

The kitchen was looking a bit dull in the first of the spring sunshine, but funds are very limited this year, so it was a case of using our brain instead of our credit card. A small pot of mod podge glue for £3.99 and a session ripping all the old magazines up , resulted in this..... Were very pleased with the result.

More pics

2010-02-24T09:29:00.001Z

Sorry bloggers, I think as this is so quick and simple it might get addictive!!!!

Thanks for visiting!

Whoo new app!!!!

2010-02-24T09:10:00.001Z

After watching craft day on qvc for too long yesterday my brains a bit fried, I'm all dawn bobby and tim holtzed out! Still I suppose it's my own fault I did watch for nearly 17 hours! I pity the polyester princesses on ideal world who were probably doing nothing all day.
I know I'm waffling but the point is all this lead me to trying to find an app that allows me to blog from phone, as I find taking photos and uploading them to the pc etc puts me off blogging. Now hopefully it will be simples, as I'll be able to take a picure on my iPhone and blog from it as I sit by my pool! Well not actually a pool but a full bath!
Well here goes time to see what the first picture looks like.... It's an example of my collage art

Whooooo it works! How fantastic I'll be blogging so much more now you'll be sick of me by Easter .

This is a cool Lego app that turns your photos into Lego !

Kirsty Allsopp were not stupid !!!!!!

2009-12-10T12:10:00.004Z

Last night saw the second episode of Kirsty's homemade christmas!....(for all my American readers, shes a UK Martha Stewart wannabe, without the criminal record!) What Miss Hunter Wellington Boot wearer failed to realise is that we're not stupid!...."Oh this year I'm avoiding the high street and plumping for a home made cheap christmas" she bleated through her post box red lips!....Cheap christmas my arse! after watching the two shows Happy and I estimate she's spent about £1000 on her home made bits and bobs at least!!!!

First there was hand blown balls at £10 each, she had 7!

Then a small road trip from Devon to Lewes, a few hundred miles, at least £100 in diesel, to buy a few vintage treasures! well thats what she called them, a glass bowl for £25, that would last all year she exclaimed! etc etc...

Then we have to witness Kirsty, in the smallest wrap dress that Hobbs has ever made, cut down half of the Devon forest so as Gemima and Netty, both wearing cashmere, can drag twigs and forestation into the house so Miss K can exclaim " Oh this is the most Christmassy bannister I've ever seen "

Then its off to cut down the tree!.....we then witness wreath making, although despite good instruction, Kirsty seems not to make a traditional wreath shape but more of a gurning ring, that would look not out of place on a horse! complete with pikey gold bow! LOL!

Next Kirsty fires up the quattro and heads off to London again for more tat, "oh my sister will love this 1970s cook book, its got a recipe for brown bread ice cream"!!!!!....Is this woman really on planet earth! what her sister really wants is a Fortnum and Mason's hamper, with quail eggs and salmon, not some old piece of tat that cost £1 and will be on the wood burner before boxing day!

A handmade teddy is next, only £75 a metre! not including the watercolor artist who also arrives to draw the bears creation, by now its getting farsical, not to mention the hand made soaps and ribbons from V V Rouleaux of Sloane Square, where the parking meter costs £1 per 5 minutes!

Then there was homemade stockings, homemade chutney and other festive goodies.

However if you have missed it, all is not lost! tonight, yes tonight, night three of the festival of Allsopp were doing chocolate truffles and party nibbles. I don't think 'Iceland' will have to worry although I feel Kirsty could give Miss Cattona a run for her money. Still one does have to admire the concept, we too this year are trying to focus on the event rather than the consumerism, and our handmade efforts are rewarding, the programme had good intention, but patronising execution, next year channel 4, pop around to Happy's house and were show you how its done!

Bye for now just off to the pound shop to get our turkey, I do hope there's some left, if not I think I will try their pheasant, such good value at £1, I thought I would also get an Iceland £3, 101 piece party platter, incase we have any unexpected guests. I would have normally gone to Aldi but my cheque from CASH FOR GOLD seems to have got lost in the post!

Happy Holidays to you all!

fred x

insomnia ...

2009-11-20T05:03:00.002Z

One of those bizzare nights when you want to sleep and the body says NO!....still all was not lost! I was able to watch The Resturant on catch up. How on earth, those two floppy haired Prats are still there I do not know!....they make my blood boil! they are a true example of how to talk a turd into a treat. The sooner Raymond wipes that smirk of his Clarins face the better! They are more annoying than toothache!

I won't even mention the Jungle fiasco! but all i want to say is....KIM PLEASE SMACK HER ! Although is it just me or could Kim be Katie's Mother?

Looking forward to Chrimbo this year, we are trying to avoid the spend , spend , spend, mentality..we have so many decorations we need no more, although a bag of vintage glass balls in the Red Cross for 50p were justified. We even have a 24lb goose in our freezer from last Christmas that we didnt cook, will it be ok? or should I just put it in the garden with a carrot on it and call it a snowman!

Looking forward to crafting in the caravan this winter, hopefully it will be like this....

Just heard on the radio that LARDON Jordan may quit the jungle, how will we survive! We will just have to play......I'm a celebrity get me out of here! at home, I've dust off my Crocodile Dundee hat and Happy is trying to squeeze into her Ann Summers zebra swimsuit, its not her size but it fits just like Jordans!!

If youve got a few mins this may make you laugh......

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UY7pWCQxTY

P.S I've also started twittering....So if you fancy a daily laugh....please follow me!

Hopefully I'll make you smile...

fred x

Wow real time tv on your I phone!! Free

2009-11-15T16:15:00.003Z

LIKE MOST BOYS I LOVE GADGETS BUT THE ONE I HEARD TODAY IS THE BEST AND IT IS FREE, WATCH REAL TIME TV FREE ON YOUR PHONE OR PC, UK ONLY, GO TO IPHONETV.CATCHUP.COM , TV WHEREVER YOU WANT IT HOW COOL! ENJOY

Its about time!.......

2009-11-07T20:15:00.001Z

Forgive me Father I know its been a while since my last confession, blog!

As most of you probably know this time last year I nearly met St Peter at the pearly gates, but I was spared, and believe me! how you view the world really changes....I've become more laid back, well all the tablets help!...and art has become my therapy.

I started doing the artist trading cards and then moved onto my moleskines. I have one with me at all times, I write, stick, draw and paint in them, never in any order, as you can see! by the time they are full, they grow a bit in size!

Below are a few examples of what ive been doing....

Also while I've been off the blogdar, I've been on the new celeb diet that I found in Carbohydrate Weekly, its called the Alpha Diet!...each day you can only eat food that begin with the same letter. Day one was ok appples, advocado and asparagus, day three was also good Carrots, Cabbage and Cornflakes, but by the time I reached 'M', I was in trouble, I had a Mars, Marathon and a Mexican ( not the chilli type but a two foot high chocolate ugly betty!). Thus I have ditched this diet and gone back onto the Merlot plan, a bottle per night and you don't care what size you are!LOL!

Heres some more of my work!...

I'm glad to see the postal strikes are off, after all how would the poor postmans wives get any Christmas presents....if they were not delivering all that gold in envelopes stamped 'cash for gold' . I saw my local posties wife up the kebab shop just now and she had so much gold on she looked like a religious icon! I can't believe anyone is stupid enough to put gold in the post....Still Jedward are still in the X factor so there must be some stupid idiots out there, perhaps they post their gold before voting!!!!LOL!

Going now to watch poor old Natalie Cassidy be flung around at Blackpool, love that show! its so much more entertaining than watching how little Cheryl Cole is wearing! even Gay Louie has asked to sit nearer, now shes showing more flesh than Katie Tripe Price in a swimsuit. So glad plastic Pete is getting all the publicity now, after all he's so untalented!

In my absence I have also had a tattoo...what do you think?

Glad to see the government is tackling sex education in schools, I believe they are going for shock tactics as I've heard they are showing a dvd of the moment in Eastenders when Heather tells Darren he's won the love lottery!

Glad to be back and I hope soon to see all my old friends from my other blog.....
I would love to catch up with you all.

BYE FOR NOW
LOVE FRED X

I'm coming back

2009-11-03T02:25:00.002Z

Watch this space....I'll be back soon!

another weather front anyone?

2008-09-05T09:47:00.005+01:00

Why oh why do we live here with such shitty weather!
This is what my feet looked like at the end of the firsy day at Ardingly! I did wear my crocs but the holes let all the mud in .
Still never mind I met loads of nice people, including some fellow bloggers. I also met some right tossers who thought that £3 was too expensive for a nice enamel plate, they offered £2! I did consider this offer for about 30 seconds, and then I remembered it has cost £120 to stand in this muddy field so I polietley asked them to rearrange this sentence...off, please, piss!
Another knob head asked how much my pencil sharpener was, when infact it was a Victorian been slicer! I cant imagine what the pencil would have looked like after trying to sharpen it.
Another care in the community escapee also asked how much the calor gas bottle in the van, that was attached to my cooker boiling a kettle,was! Why do these people bother leaving the house! I would put them all in room 101, along with the people who put petrol in, go into the shop and do a weeks shopping! why cant they pull of the bloody
pump!
Ill end now, with a quick weather update for all you carbooters out there...this saturday will be RAIN!!!!!....this sunday will be RAIN TOO! What will all those Polish addidas wearing mobile phone hunters do? perhaps they will go to Tescos where there is now a Polish food aisle for them!
I did hear a funny joke on the radio on the way home...
A man is walking along the road naked with a naked woman on his back, a policeman stops him and asks what he is doing, " I'm off too a fancy dress party , I;m going as a turtle"
"well who is the naked lady then?" the policeman asked,
"That's Michelle!

2 down 2 to go......

2008-08-31T17:27:00.003+01:00

Sitting here completely knackered, been humping furniture and boxes all weekend, and in great Brirtish weather conditions we had 26 degress on saturday, fog sunday morning and pissing down with rain as we traded today!
If you have never been to detling antiques fair, here is a quick fredsworld take on it......
Just before you reach the final years of your life, all Kent pensioners are given a sign by God to make a pilgrimage to Detling. They don their matching huskie hound fleeces, charge up their electric scooters and off they trot. They have no intention of buying anything but delight in theatrical asides such as " I had one of those but threw it away!" oh how we laughed! (n0t)
This tribe was closely followed by the NEXTS, you all know one im sure, Mr amd Mrs beige and brown, they would not understand shabby chic if it fell out of their Hello magazine and hit them on the head!
However they 2 days did provide some nice people who had good tastse, If was great to meet a fellow blogger, Lace Threads
she arrived just as it started to pour with rain, but this did not deter her, she ram raided the stall and even had to call her husband who had taken the children to the zoo to come and help carry her booty!.
A couple of enamel jugs and some other bits were bought by a prop buyer who sources for west end shows and they are to be used in the coming production of Carousel at the Savoy theatre in London.
Next we will be at Ardingly, on tuesday and wednesday, we have lots of fresh stock for all those bloggers who say they will see us there.
Going to soak in a warm bath now, with a large glass of Baileys!

Sale of the century......

2008-08-29T08:01:00.002+01:00

ATTENTION ALL SHABBY CHIC BLOGGERS
WE HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE THE BIGGEST SORT OUT OF OUR LIVES!
THE HOUSE HASE BEEN RAM RAIDED FROM TOP TO BOTTOM AND ITS ALL FOR SALE

WE WILL BE SELLING THIS WEEKEND AT
DETLING ANTIQUES FAIR IN KENT
AND TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY NEXT WEEK AT
ARDINGLY SHOWGROUND, NEAR GATWICK AIRPORT.

YOU ALL KNOW OUR STYLE BY NOW SO THERE WILL BE LOTS OF FRENCH ENAMEL, TEXTILES AND COLOUR!

I know its short notice but it would be great to see some of you...

We have the bunting up so you will spot us easily...
see you there, lets prey for sunshine!

another august sizzler!

2008-08-17T19:43:00.005+01:00

Well, are we all in training to become penguins? It felt like it today as me and the polish walked around the car boot sale in the rain...what was even more bizzare was the sellers who were just standing there with all there goods out as if they had not noticed! Everything was just getting ruined.
Still after a detour for a sausage and egg Mc muffin, we were back home early, ie before noon!
So I decided to get my finger out and be creative. I raided the vast vintage material stack we have and decided to make a cover for this chair...

I didn't want to do it conventionally so I tried using the scraps to make a patchwork....Im so chuffed with how its turned out, as my sewing machine skills are basic !

Just look at the best packed van I haver ever seen..it was such a shame they never got to unload it. i would love to have seen what else they had.

where to start...

2008-08-14T18:38:00.002+01:00

The summer has been extra extra busy, my son got the a levels he needed today to go to university, so as from September we have a room to rent. Free vintage hunting trips to France will be included in your rent as well as many culinary delights from moi! Although my last minute flash of inspiration to put fruit cocktail in tonights chicken curry didnt go down to well with Happy. Shes never satisfied that woman, at least i scooped out all the cherries first! Still she didnt like my haddock, tuna and herring fish cakes with lemon mayo that I made for lunch either! I think the general idea was there but it did not need the extra mushrooms, peppers and breadcrumbs, too much bulk!
Still back to the room, its compact, and has a wonderful art installation of empty Dr pepper bottles intertwined with dirty crockery and various stages of penacillin production! A tetanus jab would be advised. The room is complete with tv, although vari focal lenses would be advised as the grease and dust distorts the picture slightly!.
The bed enjoys a slightly elevated position due to used socks and discarded underwear.
A full empty wardrobe is free to use as all the clothing that will not be required for university will stay on the floor where it is at present.I cannot remenber what color the carpet is as its so long since i have seen it.
However, before you all start to email for a viewing i must state that terms and conditions do apply.
The lucky custodian of the room will be required to use the room in a manner to which it has grown accustomed...ie
The light will need to be on 24 per day, as will the tv and x box.
All windows will be, by order of the management, be shut tightly at all times. No fresh air is allowed in the room as it upsets the fragile teenage eco system.
No natural daylight will be permitted .
All clothing, books, underwear and magazines must be stored on the floor.
Grunting and swearing is the only language spoken and please and thank you are banned.

I know you think these rules seem harsh, but somehow they have worked, and with an A ,B and C, may son is leaving us for the land beyond the fridge.

Hello again....remember me?

2008-08-13T22:29:00.001+01:00

Hello bloggers remember me........ I thought I'd had enough of blogging but now I miss it. I really messed up my wordpress blog so now Im starting a new here...and no I haven't had botox I was just about to stick my tounge out!